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Meg aka Aunt Sharpie

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Time Flies [Feb. 11th, 2017|12:55 am]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |93728]
[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]
[Current Music |nothin']

Hello, LJ Land.  It's been a few years, it seems.

Moved in successfully with the lad I was smitten with, & in 3 months I was no longer smitten. So, here's to holding it in.
It kept something awkward from turning into a mess. We are still friends & still flatmates, though the feeling that I need to move on yet again sits with me. For all the moving on from living situations I've done, I'm someone who longs to finally land somewhere that is distinctly mine.  I don't enjoy uprooting at all, but overstaying is also painful.

Changing topics here, but speaking of painful:  I have an old friend I had to let go of a while back. It was an incredibly hard thing to do, & I did it for my own sake.  There's a lot of love still there, but also a deep sense of betrayal. May not be quite the right word, but it works. I can overlook a lot of stuff, but this was a kind of hurt that stung every time I thought about it.
[We met up again fairly recently, & I'm grateful that I let go somewhat gracefully, because it was nice to catch up. Not something I want to make a habit of doing, but it was good.  I'll always care deeply for them, & I suspect the need to cut ties was probably mutual. I can be friends with almost anyone, but my core is a psychological wreck from growing up in an emotionally absuive home.  No one gets too close to my fire without getting at least a little singed.]
Anyhoo!  I didn't outright block them on social media except for the chat function, because I thought I might get nostalgic for our long, late night chats, & I was right about that.  I've often gone searching for emails & found an archived chat that had the keyword, & then been distracted by our old conversations. (I can't bring myself to delete them. We had pretty hilarious conversations, sometimes.) So this happened again tonight, & I went looking for a way to unblock them  It's actually not an easy thing to do, thank goodness. I would not have initiated contact, just left the door open for it to happen. I found myself actually watching a video on how to unblock chat contacts (it's really that hard for someone who hasn't used the function in a while).
And I didn't do it! I did a cord cutting ritual instead, & felt immensely better.

Lastly for tonight, lamenting the perpetual down-ness of tribe.net.  An old social media site used by burners & other weirdo white people. Heh. I don't miss it that much, but there were photos & email conversations with 2 dear friends/lovers of mine who have since passed on, & I'd really like a way to access them. I just want to download the photos & screencap the messages, & it can go away again.  I miss T. Blanco, but with the current state of affairs in this nation, I especially miss my Desert Mouse, Paul.  I can't begin to imagine the words he'd have for these past couple years. Yet I still tend to let myself be guided by what Paul might do, were he still here. My increasing desire to be more active radically is tempered by the increasing pain & fatigue of my endometriosis, so often it's more of an intellectual exercise than anything else.  Coincidentally, Desert Mouse's name was in a wikileaks data dump last year. Linking that info for posterity. The editor at burners.me gave some good insight on it. Everything after that on other topics is bizarro bin stuff, but the breakdown of the bmorg memo is spot on.
https://burners.me/2016/10/19/breaking-burning-man-in-latest-wikileaks-data-dump/

*HUGS*





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Wish I Could [Dec. 26th, 2014|02:09 pm]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |93722]
[Current Mood |soresore]
[Current Music |I'm Confessin (That I Love You), adb Dean Martin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qLmbLj9yb8

*HUGS*
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holding pattern [Dec. 20th, 2014|09:53 pm]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |93722]
[Current Mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[Current Music |nothin']

It is easier to post to LJ than it is to pack.

"You're having a hard time finding the motivation to finish packing. What's the hold up?"

"I'm in love with him."

"Shouldn't that make it easier?"

"No. He doesn't know. It's really awkward."

*HUGS*
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wtf [Dec. 4th, 2014|08:37 pm]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |93722]
[Current Mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[Current Music |Fast Car, by Missy Elliott & Queen Latifah]

Moving in with a guy I'm crazy about. Why is it so freaking hard to pack? I should be flying through this. So weird.

*HUGS*
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2014|11:51 pm]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |93722]
[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]
[Current Music |nothin']

This next stage of my life sounds like the plot for a TBS sitcom.
It stars a geeky, musical, & quirky blonde Artemis Pebdani, who is moving in with her friend (also geeky, musical, & quirky) played by MC Frontalot. The catch is that he doesn't know that she has carried a torch for him for a few years already. It's called "One Of The Guys."

*HUGS*
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the new me [Aug. 9th, 2014|11:48 am]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Tags|]
[Current Location |93722]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |nothin']

For my 35th, I'd really like an eyebrow/upper lip wax.
And an herbal body wrap, while we're at it.
And a tubal ligation, & a couple tattoos.

*HUGS*
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Poem From June 22, 2014 [Aug. 1st, 2014|04:27 pm]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Tags|]
[Current Location |93722]
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |nothin']

Ode to a Jacket & a Memory

I held onto you on the back of your motorcycle
I'd never ridden pillion before

A black windbreaker & a blue denim jacket
Protected me from the dry, January weather in Las Vegas
And the rushing air as we breezed down the streets.

It was not the only thing encouraging me
To tighten my arms around your waist.

It is hard to part with one of the few
Physical connections I have to that visit.

Before that trip, I had no appropriate riding clothes
I picked up boots & outerwear at a thrift store lost to memory
Somewhere in Los Angeles County.

That was over 4 years ago.

In a few more months, it will be 2 years since
You sacrificed yourself to
Your beloved city of San Francisco.

Today, in the process of giving away old clothes
I stared at that denim jacket in my closet
Now oversized; too big to wear.

In this Fresno summer heat
I contemplated this blue jacket's known history
And what it means to me.

The Samples sang: "We all move on."
You have.
I am.
And as I took it off the hanger
Folding it lovingly, and adding it
To the giveaway bag
I knew that the jacket will too.
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Poem From June 19, 2014 [Aug. 1st, 2014|04:24 pm]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Tags|]
[Current Location |93722]
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |nothin']

I'm your cosmic turtle mother
Share some water with me lover
A space vixen - I'm a space cadet
Haven't seen through slow glass yet
Grokking you as you grok me
A desert mouse has set me free
Grokking me as I grok you
Dream in blue. Dream in blue.

*HUGS*
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Hello LJ Land [Aug. 1st, 2014|03:49 pm]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Current Location |93722]
[Current Mood |blankblank]
[Current Music |nothin']

Hello, LiveJournal.

It is 10 days until my 35th birthday.

*HUGS*
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abuse & recovery [Nov. 25th, 2012|04:32 pm]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |93611]
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]
[Current Music |nothin']

Sometimes when weeding, you get down to the dirt & realize that only weeds were able to grow because the ground itself was, you know, not great.
It's like that in self improvement. Once all the stuff on top is out of the way, you see that you have an even bigger job ahead of you. Cleaning out stuff you didn't even know was there.
We are told by society that we can't blame our parents. Well, that's true. But we weren't raised in a vacuum, either. And some abuse is so subtle that you don't even realize it's abuse until the damage is done & you are in therapy because for some reason, you hate yourself more than you hate your abuser.
And even then still refusing to "blame" them, when that's not it really, just acknowledging their responsibility. Acknowledging that abuse comes in many forms. Not just physical, not just flat-out verbal. But a subtle, manipulative mix of verbal, mental, & emotional abuse. The kind that narcissists are brilliant at. Maybe you couldn't quite put your finger on it growing up. Maybe you couldn't figure it out in therapy as an adult, because you were busy working on the symptoms.
And then one day, it all comes to you. Through research, through more intense therapy, through talking with others, maybe a little bit of all it. But somehow it comes to you, & you understand that you've been fooling yourself all these years. Going to great lengths to protect the one who abused you, because they've had you so tied into their drama for so long.

You have become caught between a "just suck it up" society that shames it's most fragile, AND a clever, manipulative abuser. And then told "You can't blame your parents."
Well, It's NOT blame.
It's assigning responsibility where it lies so that we can move on. When you know what's wrong, you can fix it.
Your problems are still your own, & no one can fix them but you.
Look, when you pull weeds, & the ground still sucks, you can't plant something better & expect it to grow. You acknowledge the problem - maybe it was the previous gardener, & they messed it up. But it's your garden now. You can call friends & professionals for help, but ultimately it's still up to you.
It's not about blame. And it does take work, so you can't listen to the "just suck it up" people either. It's time consuming, tiring, & a lot of effort. Then there's the maintenance once it's back up to where you want it.
The hard part is, that you will likely never get your abuser to understand. You won't get an apology. You won't get your relationship fixed all peachy, because they have their own head issues they won't own up to. And attempts at any of the above may backfire. So you accept this, & continue focusing your efforts on yourself.
The previous gardener doesn't care, & calling them to complain is futile. It may even do more harm then good. They may find a way to turn it around & blame you. Not worth it.
As mentioned, it is hard work. Lapses happen. Mistakes happen. It doesn't make you bad, stupid, worthless, or anything else the abuser had you believing about yourself. It just makes you human.
You are worth the effort.

*HUGS*
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