Hello, LJ Land. It's been a few years, it seems.
Moved in successfully with the lad I was smitten with, & in 3 months I was no longer smitten. So, here's to holding it in.
It kept something awkward from turning into a mess. We are still friends & still flatmates, though the feeling that I need to move on yet again sits with me. For all the moving on from living situations I've done, I'm someone who longs to finally land somewhere that is distinctly mine. I don't enjoy uprooting at all, but overstaying is also painful.
Changing topics here, but speaking of painful: I have an old friend I had to let go of a while back. It was an incredibly hard thing to do, & I did it for my own sake. There's a lot of love still there, but also a deep sense of betrayal. May not be quite the right word, but it works. I can overlook a lot of stuff, but this was a kind of hurt that stung every time I thought about it.
[We met up again fairly recently, & I'm grateful that I let go somewhat gracefully, because it was nice to catch up. Not something I want to make a habit of doing, but it was good. I'll always care deeply for them, & I suspect the need to cut ties was probably mutual. I can be friends with almost anyone, but my core is a psychological wreck from growing up in an emotionally absuive home. No one gets too close to my fire without getting at least a little singed.]
Anyhoo! I didn't outright block them on social media except for the chat function, because I thought I might get nostalgic for our long, late night chats, & I was right about that. I've often gone searching for emails & found an archived chat that had the keyword, & then been distracted by our old conversations. (I can't bring myself to delete them. We had pretty hilarious conversations, sometimes.) So this happened again tonight, & I went looking for a way to unblock them It's actually not an easy thing to do, thank goodness. I would not have initiated contact, just left the door open for it to happen. I found myself actually watching a video on how to unblock chat contacts (it's really that hard for someone who hasn't used the function in a while).
And I didn't do it! I did a cord cutting ritual instead, & felt immensely better.
Lastly for tonight, lamenting the perpetual down-ness of tribe.net. An old social media site used by burners & other weirdo white people. Heh. I don't miss it that much, but there were photos & email conversations with 2 dear friends/lovers of mine who have since passed on, & I'd really like a way to access them. I just want to download the photos & screencap the messages, & it can go away again. I miss T. Blanco, but with the current state of affairs in this nation, I especially miss my Desert Mouse, Paul. I can't begin to imagine the words he'd have for these past couple years. Yet I still tend to let myself be guided by what Paul might do, were he still here. My increasing desire to be more active radically is tempered by the increasing pain & fatigue of my endometriosis, so often it's more of an intellectual exercise than anything else. Coincidentally, Desert Mouse's name was in a wikileaks data dump last year. Linking that info for posterity. The editor at burners.me gave some good insight on it. Everything after that on other topics is bizarro bin stuff, but the breakdown of the bmorg memo is spot on.