|abuse & recovery
||[Nov. 25th, 2012|04:32 pm]
Meg aka Aunt Sharpie
Sometimes when weeding, you get down to the dirt & realize that only weeds were able to grow because the ground itself was, you know, not great.
It's like that in self improvement. Once all the stuff on top is out of the way, you see that you have an even bigger job ahead of you. Cleaning out stuff you didn't even know was there.
We are told by society that we can't blame our parents. Well, that's true. But we weren't raised in a vacuum, either. And some abuse is so subtle that you don't even realize it's abuse until the damage is done & you are in therapy because for some reason, you hate yourself more than you hate your abuser.
And even then still refusing to "blame" them, when that's not it really, just acknowledging their responsibility. Acknowledging that abuse comes in many forms. Not just physical, not just flat-out verbal. But a subtle, manipulative mix of verbal, mental, & emotional abuse. The kind that narcissists are brilliant at. Maybe you couldn't quite put your finger on it growing up. Maybe you couldn't figure it out in therapy as an adult, because you were busy working on the symptoms.
And then one day, it all comes to you. Through research, through more intense therapy, through talking with others, maybe a little bit of all it. But somehow it comes to you, & you understand that you've been fooling yourself all these years. Going to great lengths to protect the one who abused you, because they've had you so tied into their drama for so long.
You have become caught between a "just suck it up" society that shames it's most fragile, AND a clever, manipulative abuser. And then told "You can't blame your parents."
Well, It's NOT blame.
It's assigning responsibility where it lies so that we can move on. When you know what's wrong, you can fix it.
Your problems are still your own, & no one can fix them but you.
Look, when you pull weeds, & the ground still sucks, you can't plant something better & expect it to grow. You acknowledge the problem - maybe it was the previous gardener, & they messed it up. But it's your garden now. You can call friends & professionals for help, but ultimately it's still up to you.
It's not about blame. And it does take work, so you can't listen to the "just suck it up" people either. It's time consuming, tiring, & a lot of effort. Then there's the maintenance once it's back up to where you want it.
The hard part is, that you will likely never get your abuser to understand. You won't get an apology. You won't get your relationship fixed all peachy, because they have their own head issues they won't own up to. And attempts at any of the above may backfire. So you accept this, & continue focusing your efforts on yourself.
The previous gardener doesn't care, & calling them to complain is futile. It may even do more harm then good. They may find a way to turn it around & blame you. Not worth it.
As mentioned, it is hard work. Lapses happen. Mistakes happen. It doesn't make you bad, stupid, worthless, or anything else the abuser had you believing about yourself. It just makes you human.
You are worth the effort.